


never how i planned it

by tomorrowsrain



Series: gale song [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Banter, Humor, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Stark vs a seven-year-old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-10 14:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11129136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomorrowsrain/pseuds/tomorrowsrain
Summary: “Why,” Tony asks Bucky, but really more the universe at large, “does this keep happening tous?”(set post i need a forest fire)





	never how i planned it

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Remember me? Probably not. I'm sorry this isn't really a proper sequel, but I missed these idiots and I thought I'd do a little something for all of you amazing people who have commented and bookmarked and kudos-ed and just generally made me feel very loved. Thank you. <3
> 
> \- C
> 
> Title is from the song "Holdin' Out" by the Lumineers.

“Why,” Tony asks Bucky, but really more the universe at large, “does this keep happening to _us_?”

Bucky, the helpful friend that he is, shrugs. It’s a rather bizarre gesture considering the child perched on his shoulders. Jesus, Tony almost forgot about the child. Not only did they get attacked and fall _in a river,_ they’ve somehow managed to acquire a stray child in all of the chaos.

How? Seriously, how is this his life? Someone please tell him.

“Statistically, it isn’t that surprising,” Bucky says. “Considering we’re in one of the most unstable regions on the continent.”

“I know _that,_ Terminator,” Tony snaps. Ugh, there is river water pooled in his boots and the mud on his arms is starting to dry and cake. Fuck his life. “Though, really, it’s water purification. Who the hell doesn’t want water purification? Why do people show up with _guns_ to stop us installing a water purification system in a pretty small border town? Is that really a good use of their time and resources?”

Bucky opens his mouth, no doubt to give him an in-depth lecture about complicated politics and sectarian violence, all of which Tony knows because he did actually read the briefing, thank you.

“ _But_ ,” he says, cutting Bucky off at the pass, “what I really want to know is why this never happens to anyone else. Like Barton. Why does this sh-" Bucky glares at him. "-crap never happen to Barton?”

The child—who Tony _thinks_ is called Sabine, but don’t quote him on that—says something in French that he doesn’t understand but definitely sounds insulting. Bucky snorts, loud, which just confirms it.

“Wait, what did the midget say?”

“Tony, she’s seven.”

“And short. Your point?”

Bucky rolls his eyes so hard, Tony’s amazed they don’t fall out of his head. “She said that maybe the universe is trying to shut you up.”

Wow. _Burn._ Tony’s actually impressed.

“Tell her I am deeply wounded by that grossly inaccurate assumption and she should take it back.”

Bucky says something to the brat that is absolutely not what Tony told him to say. She giggles, hands over her mouth and elbows resting on top of Bucky’s head. Somehow _she_ managed to _not_ end up in the river and so she isn’t mud-coated like him and Bucky, which is also deeply unfair.

Also they’ve been walking for ages now—seriously, it feels like ten miles, at _least -_ and they still don’t have a radio signal. Maybe the universe _is_ trying to shut him up, though he can’t imagine why. Brilliance like his should be shared, thank you very much.

 _Also,_  also,it’s hot. It’s so hot he actually feels like going back in the river again and he’s pretty sure the river has crocodiles in it. (Or is it alligators? He can never tell the difference, sue him.) They’re surrounded by jungle, walking along a narrow road so full of ruts he’s amazed people attempt to drive on it, and he is literally roasting alive in just jeans, a t-shirt, and soggy boots.

“Jesus, how far did we get swept downstream?” he mutters.

“About five miles,” Bucky says. “But there was three miles of running through the jungle before that so we’re at least eight to ten out.”

“And how far have we walked? Wait, stop, I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me.”

Tony’s leg is Not Happy with him right now—even though the brace is up to his usual amazing standard he somehow forgot to factor _copious amounts of mud_ in along with water and so the stupid thing keeps jamming. As a result, they’re moving at the pace of two eighty-year-old men, which is approximately a hundred times slower than Bucky could go on his own.

“For the last time, you can go on ahead. Take the kid home. I’ll be fine.” Tony says and gets the expected arched eyebrow in response.

Bucky really does have an impressive _bitch, please_ expression. Puts even Pepper’s and Rhodey’s to shame.

“Once we get a signal,” Bucky insists, same as he did the four other times they had this argument today. “Do you need to stop again?”

Tony wants to say no, because he still has _some_ pride left, but his leg is Really Not Happy and _ow._

“Yes,” he grits out.

Sabine says something in French again as they stop by the side of the road and Bucky gently sets her down. Tony is pretty sure she knows English and is just fucking with him. Bucky responds in kind and they chatter back and forth while Tony leans against a really scratchy tree and closes his eyes.

He should be proud, really. It’s been six months since they launched T’Challa’s big reconstruction project, aimed at providing resources and infrastructure for Wakanda’s neighbors, and this is the first major hiccup they’ve had. Sure, they expected some pushback from local warlords in the area, even though they had the blessing of the DRC’s government, but not _quite_ to the level of a full scale assault.

Fortunately, unlike Narus, they were able to keep most of the actual fighting _away_ from the village, even though some of the civilians, like Sabine, got swept up in it. He hopes that Steve and the others have thoroughly kicked the attackers’ _asses_ because it takes a truly special kind of douchebag to deny people access to basic rights like clean fucking water just because you want to flex your power muscles.

But overall, excellent track record. And sure, going around installing water purification systems and building houses and planting groups in various different countries probably isn’t exactly laying low, per se, but Tony prefers being useful to lounging around in Wakanda. Like, a month ago, he helped plant an entire field of corn and he felt more accomplished than he did when he built the first Iron Man suit.

Not sure what that says about him. Maybe his calling was to be a farmer or something. ( _Ha.)_

Point is, they’re making a difference without any world-ending scenarios and large-scale destruction and it’s … kind of nice? Tony thought he would be bored, but he hasn’t been anything close to that. He’s logged a probably dizzying amount of hours in Wakanda’s labs designing various projects. Got _obsessed_ with perfecting this purification system until Bucky started habitually stopping by every night to physically drag him away from his work. And T’Challa, resident fellow genius, keeps coming up with even _more_ potentially brilliant ideas for Tony to work with and it’s good, _great_ even.

The loss of his old life doesn’t even ache that much anymore. Though he’s pretty sure the loss of Pepper always will.

Shit. He doesn’t want to make himself sad on top of miserable. Abort, abort, abort.

“Want to keep going?” Bucky asks, with his usual perfect timing. Tony strongly suspects that the Soviets made him a telepath and he’s just neglected to tell them.

Sabine has resumed her perch on Bucky’s shoulders when he opens his eyes, looking every inch a miniature queen.  Bucky still doesn’t seem as frustrated about his muddy state as Tony is, even though his hair is sticking straight up from it and it’s wormed between the plates of his metal arm.

Stupid super soldiers and their imperviousness to human discomfort.

Also, Tony is freaking mud-proofing _everything_ as soon as they get back. Right after he takes the longest shower humanly possible.

“Yep,” he says and hauls himself up. 

They continue their hobbling way down the road. Sabine buries her little fingers in Bucky’s stiff hair and keeps chattering up a storm. Hypocrite, saying that the universe wants to shut _him_ up. He catches snippets here and there, once he starts paying attention. She has an older brother and her favorite color is purple and her favorite animal is either a zebra or a shark. Or maybe an elephant?

He really needs to brush up on his French.

And he will grudgingly admit that she’s kind of cute. A little. For a tiny brat.

At least she’s been remarkably calm this whole time, even when they first stumbled across her wandering in the jungle, calling for her brother.

“Sabine would like to know your favorite color,” Bucky informs him.

“Uh, red,” he says and Sabine considers this for a long moment before giving him a solemn nod. He feels like he just passed some kind of test.

“And your favorite animal.”

What is this, a freshman ice breaker game? And he doesn’t like animals, really. Any animals. But he knows for a fact that answer would flunk him hard and for some reason he suddenly doesn’t want to add “disappointing a seven-year-old” to the list of awful things that have happened to him today.

“Giraffes,” he settles on because he’s seen them fight each other and it’s some of the funniest shit nature can provide.

Sabine nods again and grins, teeth bright. “I like giraffes, too,” she informs him in heavily accented but perfectly understandable English and yep, totally fucking with him. And she has the audacity to laugh at his look of betrayal.

She’s definitely going places in life.

They fall into companionable silence for the next ten (It feels like ten, okay? Shut Up.) miles. Sabine is drifting off with her cheek pressed to the top of Bucky’s head, which is both cute and gross, when Bucky’s radio finally crackles.

“Twenty bucks says it’s Steve,” Tony says.

Bucky frowns at him. “Why would I make a bet like that?”

“Okay, twenty bucks says he’s panicking.”

“Again, you’re just setting me up to fail, here.”

The radio crackles again and Steve’s voice breaks through the static. “Bucky, do you copy? Bucky, c’mon, where the _fuc—_ ”

Bucky moves so fast his hand is a blur as he lifts the radio to his mouth. “Kid! I have a kid with me, Steven.”

“ _—heck_ are you?” Steve amends with a fairly impressive amount of smoothness. Almost like he’s had to do it before.

“We went for a swim,” Bucky says sarcastically. “And then had a stroll in the woods and picked up a small child. How’s your day going?”

“Oh, great,” Steve replies, matching Bucky's tone. “I nearly got shot in the face twice. Barton _actually_ got shot in the arm and has been whining ever since and now Sam and I have spent the last two hours combing the jungle for you.”

“Please tell me you’re doing that with a car,” Tony chimes in, leaning over to press Bucky’s finger down onto the talk button. “I’ve walked enough today for ten lifetimes, Rogers.”

“Drama queen,” Bucky mutters. “But seriously do you have a car?”

“Yeah, a jeep. Can you give me some coordinates or a landmark or something?”

Bucky, because he’s _insane,_ rattles off a string of numbers immediately.

“Have you memorized maps of this entire region?” Tony asks, just to confirm his suspicions.

Bucky nods, actually looking sheepish. “Yeah. Just everything for about twenty square miles, though.”

Sabine reaches down to tap his metal shoulder. “You have a robot brain, too?”

Oh, that’s hilarious. Especially when Bucky immediately looks offended, then realizes there is no possible way to explain “former brainwashed super assassin” to a seven-year-old and just rolls with it. “Yep, pretty much.”

Sabine looks delighted by this. “Can I get a robot brain?”

“When you’re older,” Tony reassures her, ignoring Bucky’s glare.

“We’ll be there to pick you up in ten minutes,” Steve says over the radio, now more exasperated than panicked. “Sit tight.”

“Roger that,” Bucky says, smirking.

Steve’s sigh is an explosion of static.

_ _

 

“Why,” Sam asks when he and Steve pull up in the jeep ten minutes later, “does this stuff always happen to _you?”_

“The universe doesn’t like him,” Sabine says solemnly and Steve hides a snort of laughter behind his hand.

“I’m beginning to suspect she’s right,” Tony admits.

Bucky huffs. “Please, I’ve know that about the universe since 1943.”

They clamber into the back of the jeep, Sabine on Bucky’s lap, and Steve, like the absolute _sap_ that he is, leans back to squeeze Bucky’s arm.

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

Bucky, who is just as much of a sap but usually hides it better, smiles back all soft and affectionate and says, “me too.”

“Ugh, get a room,” Tony says. Honestly, they’re disgusting.

Sam makes a sound of agreement—he’s always liked Sam—and Bucky kicks him in the shin.

“Ow! I already have one damaged leg, Terminator. Don’t take the other one out. And for the thousandth time, Rogers, what am I? Chopped liver?”

“I’m glad you’re okay, too, Tony,” Steve says with absolutely no inflection.

“I hate you both,” Tony declares and pouts with great maturity.

 _ _

 

Back at the village, they drop Sabine off with her grateful and worried parents. She hugs Bucky tight and makes him promise to visit, then shakes Tony’s hand—all formal and imperious like a future Pepper Potts.

“Good luck conquering the world someday, kid,” he tells her.

She nods and giggles and then her parents sweep her up in a frenzy of French and affection that Tony quickly backs away from. Emotions, ew.

“So,” he says to Steve as they head back across the border, “we coming back tomorrow to finish the purification system?”

“Of course,” Steve says. “No one will be bothering us again.”

“Good,” Bucky says with dark satisfaction.

Tony wholly agrees. Bring on round two. After he's mud-proofed his entire life, of course. 

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure, I don't currently have any real sequel planned for this. BUT I would love to take prompts if anyone is interested and has anything in this verse they'd like to see. Please feel free to drop suggestions to me over on [tumblr](http://www.wobblyspelling.tumblr.com). :) xx


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